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Every parent who has a raised a child from infancy into adulthood will admit
that there were certain stages and time periods that were easier, and some that
were more difficult. Those whose children haven’t hit the teen years yet
may feel a certain amount of fear and trepidation, wondering what to expect and
how to cope. Fear not! Teens get a lot of “bad press”, but are really
very delightful people, at least most of the time. Still, there are some things
that they would like their parents to know. Teens aren’t little children. Teens will be very quick to remind
parents that they are nearly grown, and that they should have different rules
than when they were younger. They’re right! An important, and perhaps
frightening, thought for parents: in just a few short years, your teen will be
on their own, whether at college or moved out with a job. Are they ready? The
only way we can tell is to give them progressively more responsibility, in
small enough increments so that they can grow into each new level. This applies
to all areas of life – money handling, responsibility for choices made,
whether good or bad, time management, etc. Every family will handle this aspect
differently, but every family ultimately has the same goal – to produce a
competent, responsible, moral adult who is capable of functioning out in the
world. Teens aren’t adults. Teens may be a little less quick to remind
parents that they need limits, but they still do. While they need to learn
responsibility and consequences, they need time to build the skills necessary
to handle life situations. Think of how most of us learned to drive. First, we
operated the car in a protected area, perhaps a parking lot. Then, we learned
to navigate calm residential streets. Later came heavy traffic, freeways, and
night driving. It probably took awhile before we were ready for long treks
alone. Skills are built in a stepwise fashion, and there are limits put on us
until we’re ready for the next step. Teens still need clear messages from
parents about things like curfews, behavior with the opposite sex, alcohol and
drugs, school performance and other important issues. Especially these days,
teens can crash and burn very quickly if parents forget to keep an eye on how
they’re doing and what direction they are taking. Teens have their own opinions. It seems to be a truism that one of
the functions of teenagers is to challenge parents, or least to point out
inconsistencies between parents’ stated beliefs and actual behavior.
Perhaps this is why parenting is called a growth experience. Still, teens are
often very articulate and impassioned speakers on topics that are important to
them, and their opinions are worth listening to. Many parents find that, if
they really listen to what their teen is saying, a long-standing opinion or
position may be changed. At the very least, some very interesting discussions
can happen if all parties can learn to state their beliefs respectfully, and
back them up with reasons and sources. Teens value their parents’ values. This is an exceptionally well
kept secret, and many teens will deny it, but studies have shown that teens
truly are influenced by their parents’ value and opinions, and are very
interested to hear the reasoning behind them. This is related to the point made
on setting limits for teens. Teens need a “baseline”, or beginning
point. They may for a time have a very strong need to challenge parents’
opinions, but it is very common for them to return by young adulthood to a
place not so very far from where their parents are. The lesson here is to again
let your teen know where you stand, live by your beliefs, and be willing to
explain why you feel the way you do. A major caveat: teens can smell hypocrisy
a mile away. If you profess to value honesty, but gloat over how you cheat on
your taxes or pulled on over on the merchant down the road, be prepared for the
reaction! Again, parenting is a growth experience! Obviously a whole other area of focus could be what parents need when
raising teens, but that's beyond our scope for now. Vitamins, stress
management, radar tracking and a mighty sense of humor might top the list! ### Here we go! When summer vacation is peering around the bend, most parents
feel relieved to be nearing an end to the daily stress of school. No more
homework wars (this year I suffered through the 5th grade state research
report, endured the 10th grade personal home grown fungus experiment, and
survived the GATE make-your-own-invention project), and no more “Did
you?” battles in the early A.M. (Ex: “Did you brush your teeth?”
or “Did you pack your homework?” or... well you know the rest). Time
to start making those fun-filled plans for the hot days ahead. We’ll soon
have a few months of rest and relaxation...NOT!!! We’ll soon have an
exhausting few months of how to entertain our children and endless arguments
about the freedom they need and deserve since they no longer have to go to
school. Put an end to those endless arguments by planning ahead. Time to
contract with your children so the summer rules are clearly spelled out and
boundaries are comfortably in place. Time for a family meeting! First, I suggest you ask your children to make a list of what they would
most like to do this summer by priority. At the same time, parents should be
making their own wish list by priority. Next, have your children make a list of
their expectations regarding the summer rules and you do the same. Last,
schedule a family meeting to review both your lists. Set up the rules for a
family meeting at the beginning: Contracting with your children is an easy way to put everyone’s
expectations on the table before conflict occurs. Keep in mind that you can
always call another family meeting if plans change to work through issues
before they become problems. Here are some ideas for negotiation: Remember, plan ahead. It’s not too early to plan for summer and avoid
unwanted and common pitfalls. Good luck! ### Many men are truly puzzled by women and what they want. Male clients often
tell me that the women in their lives aren't satisfied with even their best
efforts. "What is it women want?" they often ask me in frustration.
Besides being sober, faithful, law-abiding, and relatively sane, here are some
of the basics of what the average woman wants from men: Women want to be respected. Most women want the man in their
life to respect what they say, even if he disagrees with her. Women do not want
to be dismissed, ignored, or ridiculed for their opinion. Men who can disagree
respectfully do better with women than men who are rude. Women want to be valued. Most women want their man to express
that he values her by treating her as if she matters to him. That means
considering her opinion about major decisions, asking her if she wants
something if he goes to the kitchen, the mall, or the grocery store, and asking
her what she would like to do. Remember her birthday and your anniversary.
Bring her flowers. Send her a card. Take her out on a date to a place she
likes. Let her know by how you speak and behave that she has a high value in
your heart. Women want men to listen. When women are venting about a
frustrating or upsetting situation, they want support, empathy, and comfort
(i.e., a hug, "I'm sorry things were so hard today," "I don't
like when people don't treat you well," "You didn't deserve
that," "It's going to be all right, baby," etc.). They want to
know that you understand that this situation was upsetting or stressful and
that you are on their side. Women want understanding first, not fixing or
solutions. Women see sex as an expression of your love for each other.
Most women don't want to make love to a man who has been grumpy and
unpleasant to them all day, then suddenly wants to have sex. Generally, she
will feel used if you approach her for sex after being unpleasant or
disrespectful all day. However, most women enjoy being sexually intimate with a
mate who loves and values them. Women value affection in and of itself--not for what it might lead
to. Women want the men they are in relationship with to be able to
be affectionate at times without being sexual. If a man is affectionate with a
woman, she feels like he cares about her. If the man always moves from
affection to sex, she may feel like he wants pleasure, not her. Women want to be known intimately. Even if you've been married
for years, be observant. Notice, and even ask, what she likes and doesn't like.
Ask about her job, her day, her values, and her opinions. Listen to what she
says. Find out who she is on a deeper level. Women want an honest man. The average woman places a high
value on honesty. If she asks a man something and he lies to her, she won't
trust him. For a woman, a relationship based on lies is no relationship at all.
A pattern of lying because you don't want to deal with her reactions to the
truth will kill the relationship. Women want a responsible man. Women do not want to have to
remind a man twenty times that he promised to take out the trash, bring in the
groceries, pay the bills, keep himself clean, go to work, or get out of bed.
Since these are things Moms do, it tends to take the respect out of the
relationship, and it leads to the woman feeling irritation and disrespect
toward the man. She's acting like the Mom, and he's acting like the child.
Women do not want to carry the whole load of responsibility for two
lives, but women do respond very well to men who take care of
things. Men who fix things or get them fixed, help a woman carry things that
are heavy, have and keep a steady job, or take on financial or household
responsibilities and do them are men who are appreciated and valued.
Women like men who are adults and partners, sharing the load in life, not
irresponsible men who create unnecessary burdens like financial
hardship, emotional turmoil, and legal trouble. The stronger and more
independent a woman is, the heavier the load she carries and the more she
values your help. So basically, a woman wants an honest, responsible, understanding, and clean
adult male who loves her, values her, and treats her like she matters to him.
If you are, or if you work at becoming that man, healthy women will be very,
very happy with you. ### Phyllis Wilson, MA, MFCC The more we study and learn about relationships, the more we can feel
overwhelmed by how much work it takes to have a healthy one; what with men
and women coming from different planets, having different communication
styles, different focuses in life, etc. Although it sounds pretty complicated, I'd like to share with you a
rather simple technique that does wonders to help any relationship
in your life -- be it with your spouse, child, parent or friend. It's
called "validation", and it means: 1) Acknowledging the other person, 2) Letting them know that you understand what they're thinking
and feeling, and 3) Accepting those thoughts and feelings in them. Why is validation an important part of a relationship? We all want to
feel loved and accepted by those close to us. We want to feel heard. We
want to feel safe -- accepted warts and all--for that is the climate in
which intimacy develops. And validating each other creates this climate of
safety and acceptance and understanding. It's true between marriage
partners, between parent and child, close friends - any relationship that
is important to you. How do we go about validating our partner? It begins with focusing on
him or her, putting aside temporarily what we've been doing and directing
our attention to the thoughts and feelings being conveyed. It could be
frustration at as boss, sadness over a friend moving away, worry about how
a child is doing in school. Or it could be a problem that's arisen between
the two of you. Ask questions, encourage him/her to tell you more, say
something like, "I can understand that you'd be angry about
that", "I accept that you're really sad right now", "I
can see why you'd be worried". I understand and I accept. Those
are magic words as far as helping the other feel validated by you. It's helpful to remember what validation is not. For one thing,
it is not always agreeing with the other's point of view. If the two of
you have different thoughts on raising kids, for example, disagreements
will arise periodically. Validating your spouse's viewpoint simply shows
your attempt to understand and accept his or her thoughts; it does not
necessitate changing your own. Validation is also not necessarily having the same feelings yourself.
Your spouse could be upset because plans for the weekend had to be
canceled, yet it's really no big deal to you. No matter. Validation is
about conveying your understanding of how your partner is feeling,
independently of how the situation affects you. Lastly, validation is not about problem-solving One of the most common
mistakes we make is to rush in and try to "fix" whatever the
other is upset about, or to present our own point of view before we have
adequately validated the person. Even when we have the best of intentions,
this often comes across as a dismissal or a put-down. There is definitely a place for discussion and problem-solving;
however, the act of validating first is what allows the other to feel
heard and understood. Once you've accomplished that, there's a much
greater likelihood that your partner will be open to hearing your
suggestions, comments, disagreements, etc. At that point, it's your
partner's turn to validate you! ###
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