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Deborah Tucker, M.A., M.F.C.C. For years, the standards of what we consider to be acceptable
advertising have been challenged and systematically lowered. "Pushing
the envelope" is the current term for the media treating us to more
and more erosion of anything close to a "family value". It is
hard to realize how jaded we have all become, how much it takes to shock
us now. What is even more difficult to gauge is the effect of the constant
media bombardment on our teens and younger children. For many years now we have been watching the teen pregnancy statistics
climb, and wondering why. My opinion, shared by many others, is that the
steady increase of explicit sexual themes in all areas of our culture has
sent a very different message to our teens and young adults than at any
other time in recent history. We seem to be telling them that their sexual
feelings are uncontrollable, and that sexual behavior is something
relatively unimportant that happens between most couples as they date. Is
that what you really believe? I think one positive thing, perhaps the only one, that has come out of
the AIDS epidemic is that it has caused all of us to re-evaluate our
thinking about sexual issues. Parents who may have been swayed during the
seventies and eighties to think that "teens are just going to have
sex anyway" have been galvanized by the specter of their child
contracting a fatal, non-curable disease. There are two psychological "truths" about teens with which
we all need to reacquaint ourselves: first, teens need to feel rebellious
against authority (parents), as a way of asserting their sense of self,
regardless of how strict or lenient that authority is; second, teens
typically feel immortal and "above the rules" -- the "it
can't happen to me" mentality. Keep these two thoughts in mind as you
consider the following. What are the likely results, given the above assumptions, if we as a
society decided that teens rebelling against certain standards meant the
standards were worthless? What if we also began to listen to advertising
as instruction and decided that sexual needs, unlike any other we
experience, were largely uncontrollable and imperative to give in to,
rather like scratching an itch? What if we decided that any manner of
sexual expression between any two consenting adults was fine, as long as
"no one got hurt"? Does this sound familiar? What if we then began to notice that older teens wanted to have
consenting sexual expression? Would we change the standard and revise the
acceptable age for sexual activity downward a little? What if
"middle-aged" teens, and then younger teens wanted to follow
along? They have sexual needs too, you know, and if both parties
"consent" and "act responsibly" ... well, how can we
say they shouldn't? Where does this line of reasoning end? I believe teens still need us to draw some boundary lines for them in
terms of our expectations and values. Yes, they will want to break our
rules and challenge us ... they always have. Even Socrates wrote about the
"rebelliousness of today's youth". Their need to assert
themselves doesn't mean we should move the line; that just makes them have
to work harder to rebel. They need to rebel somewhat to become mature
adults, which is just what they aren't yet. Teens don't think like adults,
they don't view relationships or sexual behavior in an adult way, and they
aren't ready for the responsibilities incurred by sexual behavior. Teens
aren't ready for a mature, healthy, committed sexual relationship. Why, as
their parents, would we want them to even chance having any other kind?
Why are we now afraid to say to our teens, "You're not ready for this
yet?" We need to teach our children how to make the choices about their
sexuality that are going to keep them healthy in all ways: physically,
emotionally and spiritually. To make these choices they are going to need
tools. They need to learn how to apply critical thinking skills to the
omnipresent media messages about sexuality used to sell products. They
need to know that sexual behavior is something that doesn't come at the
beginning of a relationship, as a way of "getting to know each
other." They need to know that the ability to have relationships is a
learned process that takes time to develop and practice, and that learning
time is what the teen years are for. They need to know, too, that movies,
television, videos, and other media lie when they imply that sexual
feelings, when experienced, must be acted upon. Let's admit as a society that our line of reasoning (teens are going to
have sex anyway) has been absurd, and that it is based on fear ... fear of
taking a stand, settings a standard, letting our children feel rebellious
without changing that standard, and most of fear that we are unable to
make the choice to control our impulses. Let's put our energy into helping
our teens strengthen and develop their ability to choose, their ability to
decide to do what is truly healthy, physically, emotionally and
spiritually Let's allow our children to know that sexual behavior is adult
behavior, and that it is considerably more special than the media makes it
out to be. ### Phyllis Wilson, MA, MFCC The more we study and learn about relationships, the more we can feel
overwhelmed by how much work it takes to have a healthy one; what with men
and women coming from different planets, having different communication
styles, different focuses in life, etc. Although it sounds pretty complicated, I'd like to share with you a
rather simple technique that does wonders to help any relationship
in your life -- be it with your spouse, child, parent or friend. It's
called "validation", and it means: 1) Acknowledging the other person, 2) Letting them know that you understand what they're thinking
and feeling, and 3) Accepting those thoughts and feelings in them. Why is validation an important part of a relationship? We all want to
feel loved and accepted by those close to us. We want to feel heard. We
want to feel safe -- accepted warts and all--for that is the climate in
which intimacy develops. And validating each other creates this climate of
safety and acceptance and understanding. It's true between marriage
partners, between parent and child, close friends - any relationship that
is important to you. How do we go about validating our partner? It begins with focusing on
him or her, putting aside temporarily what we've been doing and directing
our attention to the thoughts and feelings being conveyed. It could be
frustration at as boss, sadness over a friend moving away, worry about how
a child is doing in school. Or it could be a problem that's arisen between
the two of you. Ask questions, encourage him/her to tell you more, say
something like, "I can understand that you'd be angry about
that", "I accept that you're really sad right now", "I
can see why you'd be worried". I understand and I accept. Those
are magic words as far as helping the other feel validated by you. It's helpful to remember what validation is not. For one thing,
it is not always agreeing with the other's point of view. If the two of
you have different thoughts on raising kids, for example, disagreements
will arise periodically. Validating your spouse's viewpoint simply shows
your attempt to understand and accept his or her thoughts; it does not
necessitate changing your own. Validation is also not necessarily having the same feelings yourself.
Your spouse could be upset because plans for the weekend had to be
canceled, yet it's really no big deal to you. No matter. Validation is
about conveying your understanding of how your partner is feeling,
independently of how the situation affects you. Lastly, validation is not about problem-solving One of the most common
mistakes we make is to rush in and try to "fix" whatever the
other is upset about, or to present our own point of view before we have
adequately validated the person. Even when we have the best of intentions,
this often comes across as a dismissal or a put-down. There is definitely a place for discussion and problem-solving;
however, the act of validating first is what allows the other to feel
heard and understood. Once you've accomplished that, there's a much
greater likelihood that your partner will be open to hearing your
suggestions, comments, disagreements, etc. At that point, it's your
partner's turn to validate you! ###
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