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Deborah Tucker, MA, MFCC Probably the most common question in many people's minds about therapy
is, why do people come in the first place? Why share your problems with a
stranger, and how could it possibly help? The answers, of course, are as
varied as people themselves. Here are some of the possibilities. To resolve a crisis. Crisis can present in many ways. A long-standing
problem may erupt in full force, or something completely unforeseen can
shake us to our foundations. Either way, it may seem that the objectivity
of a neutral therapist is what's needed to allow clear thinking and
problem-solving. When clients call in crisis, they may feel that they
aren't functioning in their usual manner, and the goal of therapy is to
help restore that functioning as quickly as possible. To learn a skill. All of us have had the experience of trying something
new and realizing that we don't have all the skills we need to do the job
well. Communication between couples and parenting are two incredibly
important jobs that require strong skills, and many of us appreciate the
chance to add to our repertoire in these areas. Seeking therapy to improve
our abilities is often a way of preventing crises. Adding new skills helps
couples who disagree about how to parent or resolve communication
problems; the new skills they learn together help merge the different
skills they bring to the family. To change someone. Sometimes we come to therapy because we don't like
how someone is behaving. Sometimes that someone is us; sometimes it's not.
Obviously, we only have the power to change ourselves, but family members
may also wish to change their behavior if it is hurting someone they love.
Frequently we come to therapy hoping to change someone else, and learn
that the changes we can make in ourselves will be even more beneficial and
influential. It is also true that relationships and families are tightly
knit systems. If one person with them changes, it is impossible for the
system to remain the same for very long. To heal damage. If we have been hurt in the past, especially if the
hurt was severe, we will have scars. Emotional scars are like physical
scars; if the old wound has not healed properly, it will affect present
functioning in ways that may themselves cause damage. To break the cycle,
many people chose to seek therapy. Again, as with physical scarring, the
treatment may at times be painful. It hurts to bring old wounds to the
surface. The truth is, though, that once they are brought to light and
examined, they frequently lose much of their power to hurt, and the
scarring is much diminished. This is hard work, but very rewarding. To remove a stumbling block. Sometimes our past has left very specific
scars that make it hard to function at certain things, or make it hard to
see certain patterns. It is only when we are able to face what we have
been through that we are able to see clearly whether it is happening
around us. Examples of this include how difficult it is to deal with
physical or sexual abuse around us, if we have not yet dealt with our
history in this area. Similarly, it is hard to be effective with substance
abuse in our current family if we have not been able to deal with our own
parents' use of alcohol and the effect it had on us. Therapy can often
help remove blind spots that we have maintained for years to protect old
areas of pain. To deepen understanding. Many people come to therapy because they want
to understand themselves better. They want to integrate their sense of
past, present and future by understanding how their life experiences have
molded them into the people they now are. Many would also add that
emotional and spiritual health and growth often go hand in hand. By
healing themselves emotionally, they remove roadblocks to spiritual
development and a closer relationship with God. It can be difficult to
listen to "the still, small voice" if our psyche is in turmoil.
Conversely, a sense of faith and God's love for us can lend the strength
needed to face difficult emotional issues. Many people wonder whether their insurance will pay for therapy. After
reading the above, you can see that the answer is "sometimes".
Insurance is set up to pay for "medically necessary treatment"
for conditions that are diagnosable and interfering with functioning. If
you have some types of managed care insurance, it may be set up to handle
crisis and get you back to "pre-crisis" functioning. If you have
traditional indemnity insurance, it may pay for therapy as long as there
are diagnosable symptoms, up to a yearly maximum. Insurance will not pay
for the kinds of deeper exploration that you may wish to do for your own
benefit. This is an investment that we make in ourselves, often at
considerable sacrifice, but the rewards are great. Most therapists will
adjust their fees, if asked, for clients who are paying for therapy out of
their own pocket. If you have questions about issues raised in this article, please call
Deborah Tucker at 805-583-3976, ext. 33. ### Wendy Wilkinson, M.S. I have talked to many people, in and outside of the counseling office,
who are pondering whether or not they are "in love." It can
sometimes sound like they are wondering if the sore throat that they have
may really be strep. We act as if it is unknowable whether we "have
love" or not, and whether it will last or go away. Many people want
concrete answers to these questions, like a lab result from a throat
culture, before becoming committed to a relationship. Others on the
opposite side of the spectrum go into relationships hoping that they are in love, and
feeling that if it doesn't last, well, we'll cut our losses and start over
somewhere else. Both views, though opposite in their approach, are similar
in that they assume that love is something uncontrollable, such as a strep
virus might be. We either have it or we don't, and it will either last or
it will disappear with time. I believe that we decide whom we will love or
not love, whether we know we are making that decision or not. In his book, Saving your Marriage Before It Starts, Dr. Les Perrot
describes a study done on the elements of love. This study concluded that
love has three components: attraction, intimacy and commitment. All three
elements must remain present for love to last. Our culture often mistakes love for only one or two of these elements.
Often in movies two people will "fall in love" at first sight
and this is portrayed as true and everlasting love. What they are really
portraying is attraction. Attraction is very important, and we must
experience it as part of our love. But attraction will not get us through
the difficult times, and will certainly not be what brings us satisfaction
and fulfillment in a long-term relationship. Unfortunately, those who look
only for attraction will find themselves "falling out of love"
when the feelings fade. Intimacy is the next important aspect of love. It also is sometimes
mistaken for love itself. Two people, who may not be particularly
attracted to each other physically, may experience emotional intimacy
during an intense or soul-searching conversation. They may experience the thrill of letting another person know who they
really are deep inside and of being accepted at that level. This is
emotional intimacy, and feel very good, but it is not all that love
entails. In the same way, many people in our culture today experience
sexual intimacy with someone they may not know very well. If their sexual
experience is very satisfying, they may mistake that for love. I have
observed a popular myth in our culture that love equals good sex. If two
people think they are in love, they have sex as a sort of "litmus
test" of their love. Often times, also, sexual or physical intimacy
is confused with emotional intimacy. If two people begin a physical
relationship too early, they may feel very close to each other, and feel
as if they know each other well, only to find out later that they really
did not take the time to talk and get to know each other emotionally.
Sexual intimacy, while an important aspect of love, is, again, not what
will get you through difficult times, or even what will bring you the most
satisfaction in a long term relationship. This brings us to the third, and least popular, aspect of love:
commitment. I say it is least popular because our culture does not dwell
on this aspect of love very often. People I have talked to are less likely
to see love as a decision to remain committed. They tend to view love as
an element of life that comes and goes, with very little we can control
about it. The concept of long-term commitment, daily choosing your spouse
over all others, is may not seem very romantic initially. But in the long
run, it will prove to be the basis of a long term satisfying love
relationship. ### Sue White, M.A. We sat together in the small room, somewhat apprehensive at first, but
committed. Each of the seven of us were married, each had a three-year-old
daughter, and each of our daughters took dance lessons; which is what
brought us together. As our daughter danced in the next room, we talked
about those things that were most important to us; disciplining children,
selecting schools, dealing with awkward family situations, and career
decisions. Month after month our relationships grew, but never left the
room. Forsaking a few precious minutes alone to take a walk or run
errands, we chose, instead, to spend that time together, learning from
each other. Unknowingly we had formed a very successful support group.
Often heard were "Oh, your daughter (husband, mother) does that
too?" or "I thought I was the only one that worried about
that". Over the months we became more confident mothers, wives and
friends as a results of what we learned as we opened up to one another. Support groups, some as casual as a group of parents sitting together
during sports or lessons, others structured and goal oriented, abound in
our community. Often I've heard it said, "I'd never join a support
group. I have better things to do than sit around and listen to a bunch of
people gripe and complain!" Often this comes from people who have
never participated in a group. I asked members from several local as well
as out-of-the-area groups why they stayed and became involved and just how
their group benefited them. Their responses follow. One newly retired wife whose spouse experienced a disabling stroke told
me how much information she gained from their Stroke Support Group. She
had learned about special equipment that could be purchased to make
activities of daily living easier. They were in the process of gathering
information about transportation and the pros and cons of using a
converted van. A member of the Post Polio Support Group told of finding
out vital facts and information concerning his condition including where
he could go to be treated by a physician specializing specifically in the
area of post polio, and, as a result, felt a decline in some of his
symptoms. A widow told me how invaluable her grief support group was.
"Most people don't understand the process of grieving and what we
need. But my friends in the group do, and they encourage me to grieve in
the way I need too. They don't tell me to "move on" or that
"it's taking me too long." As an added benefit there were also
some social components to her group; people to eat out with, go to the
movies or play cards with. Locally there are 12 step groups for recovering alcoholics,
co-dependents, gamblers, and clutterers. Churches sponsor groups dealing
with addiction, anger management, cancer, and parenting to mention only a
few. Interface Family Services holds support groups for women who are in
abusive situations as well as an eating disorders group. The local
hospital sponsors several groups, including one which focuses on anxiety.
The YMCA facilitates a grief group. There are "Tough Love" and
"Because I Love You" groups for parents having difficulties with
their adolescent children and there is a group that helps step families
weather difficult times. Often people ask what the difference is between support groups and
therapy groups. Support groups are often run by people who share a common
experience or belief. Some are open to anyone who comes and a few are
closed. They may be part of a national or international concern or started
for a specific need at a specific time. Some are quite structured and
others are very informal. Many are free or are run on a donation basis.
Therapy groups are lead by a professional, usually require a commitment of
time and a level of involvement, and most often a fee is required. Because
they are facilitated by a therapist, it is possible to deal with sensitive
issues in an in-depth manner. Whether it be as unplanned as a group of parents sitting together in a
room waiting for their children, structured, professionally lead, or part
of an international concern, support groups have helped many people get
through difficult or challenging times to the grateful benefit of those
involved. Consider whether there might be a group to meet your current
needs and get involved! The benefits are innumerable. ###
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