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Parenting can be one of the most rewarding experiences in life. That
doesn't mean that it is one of the most pleasurable. Part of what makes it
tough is that it's such a mixed bag, both fun and hard work, both
gratifying and terrifying. We were all children of our parents, and we
bring to the table memories of what felt good and what didn't. The trouble
is that sometimes we get confused between our feelings left over from
childhood, and our current role as parents. It's true that a lot of hurts
can get healed as we parent our own children, but a lot of old buttons can
get pushed, too, and not all of them should be resolved through our
parenting style. Probably the toughest concept for many of us to get is the idea that
the hard parts of parenting are just that - hard, hard work. One of our
main tasks is to study each of our children, determine what they need as
individuals, and then provide it. This is not necessarily fun or easy.
Giving our children what they need may not be the same at all as doing
what makes us feel good as parents. Personally, I prefer to feel like the
benevolent, easygoing ruler of a peaceful, self-sufficient little kingdom,
but in reality, sometimes I have to be a vigilant and cynical inspector
who says, "I need to see just how well you did the job before we
consider it done." As we study our children, each of us will define what we think they
need according to what we value and the goals we are hoping to achieve
with them. Two common values or goals are responsibility and a sense of
self-worth. If these are what I want my children to acquire, then I need
to provide them with experiences that will result in these traits.
Obviously these experiences will vary according to the age of the child.
Self-worth is obtained through meeting challenges and achieving successes.
Responsibility ultimately means being accountable for one's actions and
needs. So what will I do as a parent to help nurture these traits? In a very young child, I might emphasize predictability in their
environment to help them learn what is expected. This may sound a bit
premature to a parent of an infant, but even very small babies benefit
from a predictable rhythm to their day. They learn very quickly, for
example, that breakfast is followed by bath, then playtime, then a walk,
then lunch, then a nap. Toddlers demand predictability, and if limits seem
too vague to them, they let us know with tantrums. They show us, too, how
good they feel about mastering early tasks, like feeding themselves,
getting dressed, cutting their hair - oops! Well, you get the idea. Elementary age children still need predictability, even as our rules
and standards change with their growing maturity. They have many
opportunities to gain self-worth through mastery of school challenges,
sports, social situations, and responsibility at home. Hopefully, we help
them to take more and more responsibility for the consequences of their
actions as they grow. Just when we think that maybe the challenge should
be lessening, our children hit the teen years. Countdown to adulthood -
they need to be able to take care of themselves in a responsible,
competent manner by the time they leave home. And even though they
challenge us constantly, they are depending on us to provide a steady,
predictable set of expectations and values. They may need to fight us
about them, but if we don't provide something to butt up against, they
don't know where the limits are. Please understand - I think it's very important to enjoy our children,
let them know how much we love them and like them as the unique and
interesting people that they are. There are lots of opportunities to have
great fun with our kids, and they keep us young if we let them. But at the
same, only we are their parents, and only we love them enough to do the
hard work required some of the time to help them grow into the best people
they can be. So take your vitamins, get plenty of rest, and take lots of
deep breaths - you're parents, and you can do it! ### Successful couples have a few basic traits in common. Let's take a look
at them. 1) Vive La Difference! Successful couples acknowledge and accept
that men and women think and do things differently, and they believe that
this is okay. They also know that people have differences in personality
and life experience, beliefs, and interests. They don't see their
differences as disappointing or as robbing them of something. They're
enriched and challenged by their differences, and they work on their
ability to communicate respectfully and bridge the gap. They know the
rewards are great. 2) Successful couples know it isn't always obvious. Successful
couples know that what is obvious about people and situations to one
person is not necessarily obvious to everyone because we all think
differently and pay attention to different details. Your spouse will not
always see what is obvious to you. It is not because he or she is
stubborn, stupid, or dishonest but simply because people are different.
Some common differences are personality, gender, life experience, beliefs,
and interests. Successful couples know and accept that it isn't always
"obvious." 3) Communicating and acting out are not the same thing. In
successful marriages spouses try to express their emotions to each other
rather than act them out on each other. Expressing and communicating
thoughts and feelings helps the other person understand you. In acting out
you want the other person to know you are angry, afraid, or sad by what
you are do to them. (For example, an acting out spouse might lock his or
her spouse out of the house when they went to get the mail after an
argument.) Or you want them to have the same experience so you do
something to them to make them feel the same feelings you felt. This is
usually thought of as"teaching him or her a lesson." It's
usually an aggressive or passive-aggressive act. 4) Successful couples know hard times will come. They know that
illness, financial struggles, disappointments, loss, and other hard times
happen to all people. They know that there are times they may have to give
up what they want right now for the good of their spouse, their marriage,
and their family--and they are willing to do it. Some people feel deprived
if they do not get everything they want. Successful couples know neither
of them will get what they want all the time. They work at maintaining an
attitude that will preserve rather than destroy their relationship during
the hard times. 5) Not everybody is always in the mood. Spouses in successful
marriages know that their sex drives might be different and they find a
good middle ground. 6) Love takes time and effort. Spouses in successful marriages
know that a good marriage takes time, and they commit themselves to giving
their mate an adequate amount of quality time. Their relationship is a
priority. 7) Successful couples give each other the grace to be human. In
growing marriages, each spouse is given the grace to make mistakes, to be
tired, to be sick, to misunderstand, to be occasionally grumpy--in other
words to be human. Human failure is not interpreted as a personality flaw,
evil, or intentional malice. "We're both fallible and human" is
their motto. Unless their spouse has shown themselves to be consistently
hostile or untrustworthy, successful couples believe in the good
intentions of their spouse. 8) Mutual Respect. They treat each other with respect as someone
who is valued. Even when they disagree, they respect each other's
viewpoint. They never disrespect each other in public by criticizing and
speaking badly of each other. 9) Successful couples don't sweat the small stuff. Successful
couples save the intensity for important issues. The right way to peel a
carrot, or being a few minutes late is not a major catastrophe. 10) Spouses can't read minds. Successful couples don't believe
that if someone loves you enough, the other person just knows what the
loved one feels, thinks, needs, or wants. They tell each other what they
feel, think, need, and want and don't feel badly about it. They know that
due to the differences in people, it is foolish and self-defeating to
expect mind reading. 11) Checking it out. In successful marriages spouses check out
what they think they heard. They realize sometimes we all say things that
don't come out quite right, or that we don't hear others correctly, or
that we assume motives and meaning that just aren't there. So successful
couples say,"I heard you say…." This way they make sure they
didn't misunderstand. 12) Successful couples trust each other. Each is honest and
sincere with the other. They are generally responsible and reliable. They
each have reason to choose to trust and they do. 13) A safe home. Successful couples don't call each other names
or hurt each other physically. Successful couples can speak their mind or
go about their lives without fear the other will blow up and hurt them.
Successful couples do not allow themselves to be abusive. 14) Mates who are accountable for their own behavior and growth
strengthen their marriage. Successful couples don't blame each other
for what they say and do, but each knows every individual is responsible
for his or her own words and actions. When each is willing to look at his
or her own behavior and take full responsibility for what they say and do,
trust and intimacy can flourish. ### Life is often full of surprises. Some of these unexpected events give
us time to pause and reflect on what is of real value in life. One of
these moments occurred to me last December. It was at this time that our
youngest son was to undergo his third open-heart surgery. As we planned to go to the surgeon’s office, we had prepared
ourselves for the usual conversation. We expected to hear about the
procedures and risks involved. What we were not prepared to hear was the
comforting words spoken by the surgeon. As he ended his conversation with
us, he turned to our son and told him to get a lot of rest, eat a good
dinner and to pray when he went to bed. Pray? This is not what I had
expected. As we left the office, the surgeon put his hand on our son’s
shoulder and said, “God bless you.” Each of us later spoke of what these words meant to us. I walked away
with a new awareness of myself as both physical and spiritual in my human
nature. That night and the rest of that week, I consciously took the time
to reflect on what life means to me. I listened to the sounds of nature
and stood in awe of the trees in winter. I found the physical strength to
cope with the stress through this spiritual approach. Integrating the spiritual and physical is a lifelong undertaking. It
begins with conception and ends with death. Throughout life there are peak
moments in which we have the opportunity to look at how well integrated we
have become. These peak moments are usually accompanied by crisis. Crisis is accurately defined as an experience of radical change. There
are both positive and negative types of crises in our lives. While we
easily recognize negative crises some of what we term positive crises
would be marriage, graduation from school, getting a new job, winning the
lottery. While we tend to look upon these changes with favor, they
nevertheless cause us to take stock of where we are in our lives. How does
a person actually assess integration during crisis? What does this process
look like? To be spiritual is to place “emphasis on the personal dimension in
which one finds nurturing and growth through forms such as talking with
friends, meditation, nature or music.” These experiences usually occur
outside of a church setting, but may also occur within that setting. It is
taking the time to develop ourselves in the spiritual as well as physical
realm that often leads a person to better mental health. Certainly, we are aware of the need for exercise and nutrition for good
physical health. Imagine the amounts of money and time spent on health
clubs, health foods, vitamins and nutritional supplements. No one would
argue that good physical health is a laudable (if not necessary) goal.
Many of us expose ourselves to opportunities to increase our physical well
being. Yet, how often do we consider that our spiritual well being is also
a factor in good health? One of the most common phrases I hear when I ask another person what he
or she does to renew or re-create themselves is, “I really don’t have
time to do that.” Or “I’d love to walk along the beach or through a
rose garden or go to a concert or spend twenty minutes a day in quiet
reflection, but I can’t. I’m too busy.” I very often find myself
saying these very same things. How do we find time? We don’t! We must
make the choice to use the time we have. I believe one of the reasons that seeking counseling works is that one
takes the time to reflect on life with another person whom they trust.
There are many that look for opportunities to grow in an awareness of who
they are and what life means. They find workshops or seminars to attend.
This is one of the reasons I provide opportunities for workshops for
others. Yet, enriching your spirit as well as nourishing your body is a
conscious choice. In your daily plan, do you take time for you? Is there a
ten or fifteen minute time period that you are willing to establish as
time for your spirit? Or maybe you are not sure what this is all about –
this spiritual aspect of your being. Perhaps you are looking for more in
this area. A walk through the “self-help” section of a bookstore will
let you know of the many areas of your life that might be reflected upon.
It is the reflection that is spiritual. Beginning Tuesday, May 11, I will begin a three-week workshop on
spirituality. If you are interested in attending this workshop, please
contact me at Families. If I am not available, leave your name and number
and I will return your call. In the meantime, make a choice for yourself
to nurture that very wonderful aspect of your human nature that is spirit.
Enjoy a walk through the park, a visit with a friend or the leisure of
really listening to music. ###
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